confessions of uneasiness

Recently a very wise friend introduced me to an exceptional book.  Thank goodness it's a quick read, because it's given me the opportunity to reread it a few times; each time reflecting upon different facets of my life--this book has spoken so boldly to me it's left me feeling uneasy. 

Main Entry: uneasiness

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: self-consciousness

Synonyms: awkwardness, embarrassment, uncomfortableness

The book discusses how we have several "you's" within us.  As I was reading, several people came to my mind as I critiqued and analyzed the connections I made.  Again while reading, I critiqued and analyzed the me that I truly am.  Is the real me differnt than what I project to others?  Is the real me different then who I used to be....uggg yes!  Am I absolutely striving to be the "me" that I want to be?
I've admitted many times that I'm not the mom I thought I would be.  In some ways better and in others worse.  As my boys wrestle from dusk to dawn I grow weary and impatient and wonder why this has to be so dang hard?!? Am I the most uplifting and encouraging wife I want to be? I give my friends advice that I don't even follow myself. Am I always true to my word like I want to be?
 I don't always behave the way I want to...again, so dang hard!

Here is a verse that became an anchor to me back in highschool......still working on this!

Romans 7:19 (The Message)
17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Alligning my behavior with the "Me I Want To Be" will maximize my potential...I've got to do this!

Cultivating Gratitude

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"I want that NOW!"

 "I feel like it"

 "Because I wanted to".....

"I wish"

"Hurry up"...

"I deserve that"

Oh what familiar words in this world; whether they be said by me, my boys, students or whomever.  This weekend while my family was waiting in the Starbucks drive through for TEN whole MINUTES, Ryan and I discussed how it was "just coffee" how hard could it be to speed things up!  It's crazy how we feel so entitled to whatever it is we want at the given moment. 

I typically think of myself as a very grateful person, in fact, I loathe the fact that some people rarely say thank you. 

 Going through the motions of our weekend, I caught myself seeming ungrateful at times. We did some sorting, organzing, and purging of many items. Ryan is the expert in organizing and purging asI tend to drag my feet and roll my eyes when he asks if we really need the fondu pot that is still in the box unopened. I have clothes in my closet I've never worn, but still hesitate to get rid of them. Shoes fight for space in the hallway closet, yet I complain I need more. I get aggrevated when Ryan tells me we need to "tighten up" our budget. I was annoyed when I couldn't get all the items I wanted at the Gap.  I become impatient that my house doesn't have the space I would like it to.  The list truly goes on and on.

Thank heavens I came upon this verse below...

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I've been reminded that by nature we are NOT grateful. I have some work to do, it seems.
"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back in praise....if not, it turns into PRIDE and I then yearn for more."
I am learning to be GRATEFUL in all circumstances for he has given me more than I could ever imagine!